And there I was, swept away.
Benjamin had caught me by complete surprise. I really could not understand what I was feeling. My heart had been locked away for so long that I had forgotten how it felt to be adored and treated the way I ought to be.
When men had aggressively pursued me in the past I had pushed them away and completely lost interest. I had a bad habit of going after the ones who were not as interested in me, which I see now as a subconscious way of protecting myself from getting too close to someone who could really hurt me.
Ben continuously pursued me. Even though my first reactions were to push away, I really did not want Ben to stop. I didn't want to stop seeing him.
Unfortunately for Benjamin, it took me a little while longer after our third date for me to realize that I was 100% in.
We continued to see each other and to go on dates regularly. One day, he showed up at my door with a hot chocolate from Starbucks (a pretty big deal seeing as the closest Starbucks is 40 minutes away) and had memorized my order (after only hearing it once). Every time I thought of how lucky I was to have him in my life, he would do something that would completely blow me away.
Over Memorial Day Weekend, two of my best friends – Kylie Olson and Rachel Smith – came to visit me on the island. He completely won them over, which was no surprise. Although, they were confused when they observed the two of us. In the past, they have noticed that I had acted completely different with guys that I was interested in. I would be tense, anxious, and slightly insecure. I really feel like that had a lot to do with the men that I was going after, but regardless they were perplexed. They thought I was acting too comfortable with him, it didn't seem right. One thing in particular that they noticed was that I had eaten the majority of a pizza with Benjamin while in the past I would have barely touched my meal (Haha, slightly embarrassing that they would notice that). At first their observations frightened me, but slowly my eyes were beginning to open.
The Wednesday following Labor Day, after the girls had left, Ben had me over for a date, our final date before I would go to California for a week and a half with my family. I remember getting ready for the date. I wore a purple sweater with black pants, and even put on some makeup for the occasion (a rarity for those of us who live on the islands). I was nervous when Ben walked over to my house to pick me up. He had spent his afternoon preparing dinner for us, something that he once told me would happen - if I was special (pretty much his secret-weapon date, which he said he had used ONLY a few times, hahaha- note to boys, don't tell them its been used before, although I will say, it still worked). He had made us tortellini lasagna, a fruit salad, had bought a diet coke (because he understood my addiction) and a Ted's Chocolate Haupia pie for dessert (if you are ever on the North Shore, you must stop at Ted's and have a slice, yum).
I can't explain it, but for some reason, on that night it got a lot more serious for me, I could feel myself falling hard for Benjamin. I stayed there until late, and then he walked me home.
The next night, Thursday, I hadn't planned on him coming over but I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing him as much as possible before I left. I had him come over to "help me pack" which really went nowhere, we spent most of the evening talking about everything, and when he went home we said goodbye, again.
While in California, specifically Disneyland (my favorite place in the world), I had a lot to think over. I knew that I had promised myself that I would not date anyone until I thought they could be THE one. Ben had now entered that category. He had been the only one to enter that category. Again, this frightened me. I had to decide if I was ready to make that step, to commit 100%, after six years of being single and independent.
Though my whole family was with me, they didn't really have any idea what was going on, which is how I wanted it. Sometimes I feel when you talk to much about something it can taint your feelings or hurt your judgment. I felt like prayer and my own personal thoughts were the way to go. I was afraid to say much to my family about Ben, or let them see how I was feeling about him. The last time that I had been excited about someone had turned sour so I did not want to jinx it.
While I was away, Ben and I talked daily, mostly through texts as I didn't have any alone time. I would return to Hawaii the following weekend knowing that I had only a few days with Benjamin before he would head to California and Utah for five weeks. I remember Ben calling me while I was waiting for my flight at LAX and thinking about how natural everything felt.
That night he came over and I fell asleep as we sat on the couch talking. Falling asleep in obscure places became somewhat of a habit of mine, something he considered a compliment, because he knew I trusted him.
We spent the next few days together, and the night before he left for California we stayed up until 3 AM talking about life, our dreams, etc. I knew at that moment that I wanted to be with him, but I was still scared.
When Ben walked me to my car that night he told me that he wanted to be able to tell people about his girlfriend when he went home. But for some reason-even though I knew in my heart that I wanted him to be mine, the thought of a relationship (even though we were very much exclusive as it was) really freaked me out.
The day after he left, I went to work as usual, and my amazing co-worker, who is now one of my very close friends (Ariel Chaffin you're the best!!!!), talked me through the whole thing. It took me a few days to do anything, but once I gained the courage, I told Ben I was ready to move forward (Or rather, I did it the shy way and relationship-requested him on Facebook..... Yea, I know, wuss.).
We spent those five weeks he was away talking on the phone and Facetime-ing every night, for approximately 4-5 hours. No joke. Somehow, we never got sick of each other (and still have not, mind you).
When Ben was just about to return to Hawaii, I did something terrible. He told me he would have an eight hour layover in Seattle and I thought, what a great opportunity for him to meet my family! That's right folks, Ben went and had dinner at my parents house all by himself. And he was a total champ! They loved him (no surprise there)!
The next few months were total bliss, between our beach days, swimming with pods of wild dolphins (to this day, one of my all-time favorite life experiences), or just exploring the beautiful island of Oahu with our friends. We continued to fall deeper in love every day.
You know how everyone always says- "When you know, you just know?" I ALWAYS wondered what that would feel like. It boggled my mind to think that anyone could just suddenly be hit with that kind of knowledge. But, alas, it happened. I knew. Ben was my guy, my forever. I knew even before Ben knew.
Being the typical girl that I am, I never would have said anything until he made the first move. It took a few more weeks for him to figure it out, but it was worth the wait.
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This post has taken me so long to finish between our wedding, first months of marriage, and several moves/vacations! But I have made a goal to keep blogging. I have never been great at keeping a journal, so I have decided our blog will be a slightly less personal account of our daily comings and goings so our children will have something to read one day. (:
