i am a blank page, waiting for life to start

draw me a smile

and save me tonight.

Peace.

Here is to new beginnings, fresh starts, blank pages. 

Oh, and puppies.

let our hearts stop,

and beat as one forever.

xx

you've got magic inside your fingertips

I can't sleep. Blame the diet coke, seeing Skyfall (AMAZING), or the fact that my brain never stops working. I have so many things on my mind I can't even begin to write them down, and I wouldn't write them down even if I could! Much too personal. 

How do you coin your feelings though, when you can't even identify them yourself? 

Confused, sure, happy, frustrated, scared, excited, hesitant. I think.

Again, 

I need to trust that everything will work out as it is meant to. 

Faith.

Oh baby I need you

To see me, the way I see you

Lovely, wide awake in

The middle of my dreams

xx

come in with the rain

I love Christina Aguilera. 

I have wanted to be her since I was a child. And no, I don't mean that in the literal sense. But as with any hobby, you look up to certain people and want to emulate their talent. She is definitely one of the people I look up to. If I could ever come close to singing as well as she does I would be one happy lady! 

So, you can bet that I have already pre-ordered her new album LOTUS! It comes out on the 13th I believe. I have high hopes for this one. Her last album was a bit of a dud (aside from the track "You Lost Me" SUCH a good vocal). This song that she previews with Blake Shelton (below) is so good I can't wait to hear everything else!! 

Even if you do not share my passion for Christina's amazing voice, you need to listen to this song! One day I will sing it, and it will be grand.

But I’ll leave my window open,
'Cause I’m too tired at night for all these games.

Just know I’m right here hoping,
That you’ll come in with the rain.

xx

a state of bliss, a state of confusion.

hatred is blind, as well as love.

- Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde is one of my favorite people to quote. Some of what he says I completely disagree with, but there are little gems hidden underneath all of the anti-marriage hoopla. This has got to be one of my favorites, because it is so true.

I feel blessed to have learned this concept at an early age. Everyone has had a moment in their lives where they have been able to relate to blind love and blind hate. I know I do.

When I fall, I fall completely. Head first, eyes closed, feet flying. I put my full heart into everything I pursue- friendships, relationships, and hobbies. Each time I land ungracefully I try to remind myself to be more careful the following time, without much success. 

But that is who I am. I love LOVE... redundancy (HA! That one was for you Ky). But really, I am passionate about love. That delirious feeling you get when you feel butterflies, the way your hand tingles when you first touch. It is a drug in its own form. A highly addictive, dangerous, and intensely satisfying narcotic. 

The only problem is this: as with any 'high', these passionate trysts (in my case, PG trysts) always end in chaos. One person lying to the other, deciding it was all a mistake, or realizing the relationship is going nowhere. Then comes the downfall. Walls tumbling all around, the ground crumbling beneath your feet and piling on top of you. An all consuming sadness washes over you when you realize that you are back in the position you have continued to put yourself in for years.

It is hard not to blame innocent bystanders for the accelerated decline in your happiness. Jealousy ensues. Heartache. Regret. This is where blind hatred comes into play. Your mind does a quick switch, all of the energy you spent on blind love seems to somehow double into your hate (if that makes sense). You question things, over think everything, and literally drive yourself mad. 


When it is all said and done, irrational thinking, irrational actions and irrational thoughts do nothing but hurt you more. The biggest lesson out of these situations is that you hold the key to your happiness. You decide whether to move on, you decide to let go. Nobody can make that choice for you. 


I made the choice years ago to be happy. To keep the negative out of my life. When you are focused on improving your life, you have less time to think about why people are the way they are, and why they do the things they do. It is much easier and much more freeing to forgive than it is to hold a grudge. 


I know, it is easier said than done. And we are not perfect, I am not perfect. It took me years to be able to establish my thick skin. One thing still holds true: 

better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

xx

this slope is treacherous, and I like it.

Put your lips close to mine, 

As long as they don't touch.

Out of focus, eye to eye,

'Til the gravity's too much.

And I'll do anything you say,

If you say it with your hands.

And I'd be smart to walk away,

But you're quick sand.

I have been so busy I have neglected writing. It is a hard task to sit down and write something somewhat interesting when you are DEAD tired. My last couple of posts have been written while I was in the process of passing out. They somehow turned out okay? Nothing embarrassing at least!

There has been so many things on my mind lately! Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode. I am at a completely unpredictable point in my life. I know I am in the right place, I know I am doing the right things, and I know I have good things in store for me. The only problem is I don't really know what I am supposed to do while I am here (in Hawaii). I have had to put so much faith into the fact that it felt right to move here in order to stay sane. 

There was a fireside last night about change (though I hardly heard any of it because Abby and Peter were being so disruptive :-P). I used to think that I hated change, but the more that I have been contemplating, I have realized that I actually love it. I crave change. It helps me push myself and get out of my comfort zone. It is a small adrenaline rush, a sport in its own fashion. I feel like it is making me into a better person. Even though I have yet to find a job, I have been able to spend these past couple months focusing on making myself more like the person I hope to one day become. The person I need to become.

I am personally very excited for the route my life is taking. It is treacherous and uncertain, but I know in the end it will be well worth the stress, heartache & fear. It will be beautiful.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding"

-Proverbs 3:5

And all we are is skin and bone, 

trained to get along.

Forever going with the flow, 

but you're friction.

xx

strip away the layers and reveal your soul

Each and every day I pray to get to know you please
I want to be close to you, yes I'm so hungry
You're like water for my soul when it gets thirsty
Without you there's no me
You're the air that I breathe

This is an old song, but it is a classic. Love him.

be your BEST self, everyone else is taken.

xx

then you can monster mash, and do my graveyard smash

I was working in the lab late one night 

When my eyes beheld an eerie sight 

For my monster from his slab began to rise 

And suddenly to my surprise 

He did the mash, he did the monster mash

Halloween. The night when you have the opportunity to dress as ridiculous as you like without people questioning your sanity. At least that's what you think, right? After seeing all the nasty happenings on Waikiki last night I am not so sure how much I can excuse. Though it was mostly all entertaining, I saw one too many booties for my liking. To each their own, I suppose!

As mentioned previously, we spent the evening in Waikiki. Dancing, laughing, eating ice cream. It was magical, especially after drinking a sugar-free Rockstar (thats how us 24 year olds have to get down--keep up with the young ones!).  

One thing I did not anticipate is the lack of sleep I would get thanks to my fabulous Rockstar. We got back at around 1:30? I did not fall asleep until 3 (in my costume, yea I know, gross), only to wake up at 5, fall back asleep at 7, and wake up for good at 8:30. Yes. I am working off of 3.5 hours of sleep right now. Did I also mention that yesterday I woke up at 6:30 to go on a walk? My body is shutting down. Somehow I managed to spend the day in Honolulu without falling asleep on the road or on my feet! Mission accomplished. I am really excited to go to bed tonight though. REALLY excited. And Temple is tomorrow morning so thats even more reason to be excited! YAY!

Okay, back to last night. I decided to be a native, since I have feather earrings, moccasins, and some tribal looking garb. It seemed like the easiest alternative to an otherwise nonexistent outfit- though I did notice it was the 'in' thing to strut your birthday suit this year. While sharing the picture of my ensemble to my little sister, who, bless her heart, stays up till the wee hours of the morning at her home at BYU-Provo, just so she can send me into shrill laughter with her hilarity and strangeness, she decided that the title of my costume would be "Sexy party native from the future, who likes to rock and roll". Totally fitting, so I rocked it. 

Enjoy these pictures. My mind is a blur. I need to rest. 

Where my day began, searching for rainbows.

Abs & I

There is always time for ice cream.

Oh, hello Waikiki.

Sexy party native meets sexy cupcake.

They become friends.

Don't accept candy (drugs) from strangers.

Peter and Amanda meet my new friend.

Teaching everyone how to make an arm disappear.

Cute girls at the carnival! (:

Tourist & Harry Potter.

Dirty feet.

Time for destruction.

Game face.

In it for the win! Nicia-2, Abby-1, Conner-0.

Sassy French lady, 80's popstar, Sexy party native from the future who loves rock and roll, and cowgirl!

Models. Clearly.

Work it.

This is Halloween, everybody make a scene

Trick or treat 'til the neighbors gonna die of fright

It's our town, everybody scream

In this town of Halloween.

(and yes, we have already busted out the Christmas tunes at our house)

xx